The haunting song!!!

This is a song by Jennifer Lopez, it leaves me feeling lost each time I listen to it..
 
If you had my love
And I gave you all my trust
Would you comfort me
And if somehow you knew that your love would be untrue
Would you lie to me
And call me baby
Now if I gave you me, this is how it's got to be
First of all I won't take you cheatin' on me
Tell me who can I trust if I can't trust in you
And I refuse to let you play me for a fool
You said that we could possibly spend eternity
See that's what you told me (that's what you said)
But if you want me
You have to be fulfilling all my dreams
(If you really want me babe)
Said you want my love and you've got to have it all
But first there are some things you need to know
If you want to live
With all I have to give
I need to feel true love
Or it's got to end, yeah
I don't want you
Trying to get with me
And I end up unhappy
(Don't need the hurt and I don't need the pain)
So before I do
Give myself to you
I have to know the truth
(If I spend my life with you)

Cooking and its effects.. ;)

Cooking.. these days has become a stress buster for me, helps me keep the devil's workshop at bay.. :) I am an eggetarian, who can cook decent meals ( given the recipe is good enough or my observing skills are intact ;)).. I used to cook occasionally during my college days which was limited to spicy savories and bhaji's.. :) Until I traveled onsite, I was an amateur cook.. Being a foodie, craving for food makes you a good cook i guess and less of passion to it.. :) Mostly I have prepared vegetarian food, very rarely omlettes and egg burji's..

Started cooking full time, once I reached UK around 3 years back and had to survive on bread and instant pulyogare mixes till I felt pukish..:P Then it started with from instructions from my dearest mommy( the best cook in the family :) ) and started out with basic south Indian recipes, sambars and rasams and spiced up vegetables.. Occasional visits to the Indian restaurants did not quench the thirst for having spicy food in Indian style, as the food was lacking enough spiciness.. :( So started googling some interesting recipes.. yummy north Indian sabji's which did not require any mixie and can be prepared in no-time.. :) Channa masala, palak paneer, paneer mutter masala, baingan bharta, etc etc with all the MDH masala available and some extra ghee.. :) On requests from friends had prepared baby corn manchurian, ragi balls (raagi mudde in kannada) which turned out to be yummy as well.. Carrot halwas, bisi bele bath( south indian delicasy), salads, rava dosas, paav bhaaji's etc etc.. yup, the amateur cook was turning into a proficient cook and was given the name "Cookiepedia" , from a dear friend.. :) With all that extra ghee and the rich food, I gained a lot of weight, which I am still trying to lose.. :D Thereafter, most of the onsite visits I have been cooking and improvising.. :)

Dearest mommy would always complain that I don't cook for her, as my friends always praised me for my cooking skills.. :) So these days over the weekends I have started cooking some new dishes that has never been tried at home.. And Mom likes them a lot..:) And yeah, getting a compliment from her and my neighbor aunt is giving me a high, and a boost to cook more frequently.. :) The recent experiments are aloo tikkis, cakes baked in cooker, new types of pulav's, paneer butter masala etc etc.. :) And there's lot more to cook, all my favorites, the ones I buy in restaurants, sweets and savories.. :) From amateur to proficient to an EXPERT.. :)

Friends, BFF's ,Acquaintances etc..

Well, How do I start this topic?? Or where do I start from?? I am yet to find out the difference between a friend and an acquaintance.. I have had friends at different stages and at different circles, nursery friends, school friends, friends in neighbors, PU friends, tuition friends, collage friends, friends at office and BFF's too.. There are friends who use you, there are friends who take advantage of you, friends who care, friends who love you and never leave your side,so on..

I have always been a shy person and an introvert who hardly initiates a communication and always sticks on to just a few friends.. And mostly, all my friends have been very talkative and have made it easy for me to talk to them.. :)Yeah I like talkative people(sensible ones though ;)). There were friends who are still in touch a group, full of masti, full of life during my high school and PU days..cycle rides, night outs, amateur cooking, letters to each other,long chats just outside the gates.. it was much more fun.. But it never happened that I could completely open up to them as a person or did they think that was not fun enough.. we slowly drifted apart, though we are still in the virtual world, teasing and pulling each others legs, but not be called the best friends.. :) In PU I hardly made friends, just a couple of them who exist in the virtual world as well and we hardly stir up a conversation.. I do have a few friends from the time when a friend was meant for just playing, we still are in touch, but people move on in life that we never have the same people around.. Yeah life moves on so fast!!! (sigh) College friends, my engineering friends, I thought I got the BFF's for life. Too many outings, too much fun, those silly fights, knowing each others families, knowing each moment of the day, we were like known as the best friends in the whole college.. Yeah it felt like we were born to be friends like this.. But fate had other plans I guess, we had the bitterest(If i may use the word) break up, call it stupidity or sometimes I do feel were we really friends?? But even after what all happened and no talks for couple of years, we are in touch now, maybe not like before, but in a mature enough way.. :) Sometimes I really wish, how we could get back to good old days and I could speak my heart out.. :( Colleagues who were friends, are in touch again in the virtual world and rarely in person. I remember the day when an ex-colleague started crying on learning that I will no longer be working in the same company. I was scared,as I never expected it.. And online friends,(Awwh, the passing could with the silver lining :) ) we used to talk so much that I never felt lonely, much more than a friend, is so silent now :(, meant to be so.. I so miss being with a lot of them, I have reached out to them, but life has to move on you see.. :(

Yeah there are so many people on the gtalk and whatsapp list, yet seems so empty, yet so lonely.. Not a person who would reach out, not a person who would care to ask why the hell am I like this, so isolated, so lonely.. Yeah I know , I know, they have a life of their own!! they a family of their own to take care of!! What about me?? I do have a family, but what about life?? :'( I do need someone to listen to me when I want to speak, tell me when I am not OK by just seeing me , hug me when I need it the most, tell me 'I am there for you', let me cry my heart out.. And yeah I do agree, that I have been overly protective of myself and my feelings because of all the pain, it makes me not to trust too much, afraid to lose the people I love.. yes, that's part of living, but still I expect.. Expectations hurt as they say, it hurts more because I can no longer trust, because I no longer have the courage to lose people close to my heart and behave strangely, because I don't want to behave in a mature manner just to be friends, because I still need someone to sing along the song in my heart... :(