The haunting song!!!

This is a song by Jennifer Lopez, it leaves me feeling lost each time I listen to it..
 
If you had my love
And I gave you all my trust
Would you comfort me
And if somehow you knew that your love would be untrue
Would you lie to me
And call me baby
Now if I gave you me, this is how it's got to be
First of all I won't take you cheatin' on me
Tell me who can I trust if I can't trust in you
And I refuse to let you play me for a fool
You said that we could possibly spend eternity
See that's what you told me (that's what you said)
But if you want me
You have to be fulfilling all my dreams
(If you really want me babe)
Said you want my love and you've got to have it all
But first there are some things you need to know
If you want to live
With all I have to give
I need to feel true love
Or it's got to end, yeah
I don't want you
Trying to get with me
And I end up unhappy
(Don't need the hurt and I don't need the pain)
So before I do
Give myself to you
I have to know the truth
(If I spend my life with you)

Cooking and its effects.. ;)

Cooking.. these days has become a stress buster for me, helps me keep the devil's workshop at bay.. :) I am an eggetarian, who can cook decent meals ( given the recipe is good enough or my observing skills are intact ;)).. I used to cook occasionally during my college days which was limited to spicy savories and bhaji's.. :) Until I traveled onsite, I was an amateur cook.. Being a foodie, craving for food makes you a good cook i guess and less of passion to it.. :) Mostly I have prepared vegetarian food, very rarely omlettes and egg burji's..

Started cooking full time, once I reached UK around 3 years back and had to survive on bread and instant pulyogare mixes till I felt pukish..:P Then it started with from instructions from my dearest mommy( the best cook in the family :) ) and started out with basic south Indian recipes, sambars and rasams and spiced up vegetables.. Occasional visits to the Indian restaurants did not quench the thirst for having spicy food in Indian style, as the food was lacking enough spiciness.. :( So started googling some interesting recipes.. yummy north Indian sabji's which did not require any mixie and can be prepared in no-time.. :) Channa masala, palak paneer, paneer mutter masala, baingan bharta, etc etc with all the MDH masala available and some extra ghee.. :) On requests from friends had prepared baby corn manchurian, ragi balls (raagi mudde in kannada) which turned out to be yummy as well.. Carrot halwas, bisi bele bath( south indian delicasy), salads, rava dosas, paav bhaaji's etc etc.. yup, the amateur cook was turning into a proficient cook and was given the name "Cookiepedia" , from a dear friend.. :) With all that extra ghee and the rich food, I gained a lot of weight, which I am still trying to lose.. :D Thereafter, most of the onsite visits I have been cooking and improvising.. :)

Dearest mommy would always complain that I don't cook for her, as my friends always praised me for my cooking skills.. :) So these days over the weekends I have started cooking some new dishes that has never been tried at home.. And Mom likes them a lot..:) And yeah, getting a compliment from her and my neighbor aunt is giving me a high, and a boost to cook more frequently.. :) The recent experiments are aloo tikkis, cakes baked in cooker, new types of pulav's, paneer butter masala etc etc.. :) And there's lot more to cook, all my favorites, the ones I buy in restaurants, sweets and savories.. :) From amateur to proficient to an EXPERT.. :)

Friends, BFF's ,Acquaintances etc..

Well, How do I start this topic?? Or where do I start from?? I am yet to find out the difference between a friend and an acquaintance.. I have had friends at different stages and at different circles, nursery friends, school friends, friends in neighbors, PU friends, tuition friends, collage friends, friends at office and BFF's too.. There are friends who use you, there are friends who take advantage of you, friends who care, friends who love you and never leave your side,so on..

I have always been a shy person and an introvert who hardly initiates a communication and always sticks on to just a few friends.. And mostly, all my friends have been very talkative and have made it easy for me to talk to them.. :)Yeah I like talkative people(sensible ones though ;)). There were friends who are still in touch a group, full of masti, full of life during my high school and PU days..cycle rides, night outs, amateur cooking, letters to each other,long chats just outside the gates.. it was much more fun.. But it never happened that I could completely open up to them as a person or did they think that was not fun enough.. we slowly drifted apart, though we are still in the virtual world, teasing and pulling each others legs, but not be called the best friends.. :) In PU I hardly made friends, just a couple of them who exist in the virtual world as well and we hardly stir up a conversation.. I do have a few friends from the time when a friend was meant for just playing, we still are in touch, but people move on in life that we never have the same people around.. Yeah life moves on so fast!!! (sigh) College friends, my engineering friends, I thought I got the BFF's for life. Too many outings, too much fun, those silly fights, knowing each others families, knowing each moment of the day, we were like known as the best friends in the whole college.. Yeah it felt like we were born to be friends like this.. But fate had other plans I guess, we had the bitterest(If i may use the word) break up, call it stupidity or sometimes I do feel were we really friends?? But even after what all happened and no talks for couple of years, we are in touch now, maybe not like before, but in a mature enough way.. :) Sometimes I really wish, how we could get back to good old days and I could speak my heart out.. :( Colleagues who were friends, are in touch again in the virtual world and rarely in person. I remember the day when an ex-colleague started crying on learning that I will no longer be working in the same company. I was scared,as I never expected it.. And online friends,(Awwh, the passing could with the silver lining :) ) we used to talk so much that I never felt lonely, much more than a friend, is so silent now :(, meant to be so.. I so miss being with a lot of them, I have reached out to them, but life has to move on you see.. :(

Yeah there are so many people on the gtalk and whatsapp list, yet seems so empty, yet so lonely.. Not a person who would reach out, not a person who would care to ask why the hell am I like this, so isolated, so lonely.. Yeah I know , I know, they have a life of their own!! they a family of their own to take care of!! What about me?? I do have a family, but what about life?? :'( I do need someone to listen to me when I want to speak, tell me when I am not OK by just seeing me , hug me when I need it the most, tell me 'I am there for you', let me cry my heart out.. And yeah I do agree, that I have been overly protective of myself and my feelings because of all the pain, it makes me not to trust too much, afraid to lose the people I love.. yes, that's part of living, but still I expect.. Expectations hurt as they say, it hurts more because I can no longer trust, because I no longer have the courage to lose people close to my heart and behave strangely, because I don't want to behave in a mature manner just to be friends, because I still need someone to sing along the song in my heart... :(

New job and the challenges..

Yeah!!! Finally I have managed to find a job for myself, after sticking on to my previous job for more than 6 years.. (very long time you see ;) ). I guess I am exposed to the corporate world for the first time, as my previous company was much liberal regarding the timings(suited the lazy me ;) ) and also there was no transport facility that would compel me to be on time. :D As they say, first love can never be forgotten, I think it applies to the first job as well, that too when you stay for so long and enjoyed being in the comfort zone.. :)

My first job was through campus recruitment( well, I was lucky!!! :) ),7 years back when it was difficult to find a job. I got a decent package, maybe not a dream infrastructure.. :) The journey was awesome for those 6 years, full of learning, travelling, friends, late nights, new experiences and everything.. In case of learning, I have been the "Jack of all trades" and never an expert , I think that has made me more confident than I ever was. Anything and everything has either a solution or a work-around.. :) I have traveled to 4 different countries each with different cultures and enjoyed the stay at each place..Not though very friendly, I did have group of friends to chit chat with, to go out for movie and the endless gossips..:) And yeah I have worked hard to gain a bit of recognition :) You know, with so much in the memory box, one tends to become nostalgic.. :)

Now the new job, after several failed attempts, I have landed in a sea after being in a pond for 6 years. Its almost being 2 months now and still having no friends :( and literally no work compared to all the donkey work I was doing earlier. :) Good infrastructure, liberal working hours, good salary package , transportation facility.. :) And yeah there is always two sides to a coin.. :( Pros and cons.. too much of automation in finance dept, too much of e-Learnings, to much of fuss ( as it seems to me now):( , feeling lonely, losing too much of tax (hope it helps Modi.. ;)) and what not.. And work is a level down to what I was doing earlier and salary a mere increase to what I was earning earlier( not much of a difference :'( ).. Worst is I have to stick on to the timings because of the transportation facility.. :( Arrrggghhh!!!!

Ohh God!! You have been wonderful to give me this new job, but the ever cribbing me is still struggling to come out of the comfort zone(sigh). So God, be kind, be helpful, and give me the strength to adapt to this new world and find new friends :) For God you may say , you don't get it , you have a problem , and  you get it, you still have a problem!! hehehe :)

If I let you go.. Westlife

One of my favorite song.. :) In the current state of mind (read it heart ;) ) had to share it.. :P

  
Day after day, time pass away
And I just can't get you off my mind
Nobody knows I hide it inside
I keep on searching but I cant find

The courage to show to letting you know
I've never felt so much love before
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go, I will never know
What my life would be holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know if I let you go?

Night after night I hear my self say
Why can't this feeling just fade away?
There's no one like you, you speak to my heart
Its such a shame we're worlds apart

I'm too shy to ask, I'm too proud to lose
But sooner or later I've got to choose
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know if I let you go?
If I let you go, oh baby

Once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out

But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be holding you close to me close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know if I let you go ?

But if I let you go I will never know
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know if I let you go?
If I let you go

A passing cloud with a silver lining.. :)

They say there will a lot of passing clouds we come across during a lifetime. But in my case, a special one like a fresh breeze came in, filling me with hopes, sweeping me off my feet yet again and finally throwing me off the cliff(sigh) :(

What should I say, the usual silent me had turned into a chatter box, just like him.. :) People around noticed the change, the beautiful smile that filled my face and the twinkle it brought to my eyes.. It was perfect bliss.. :) Talking to him, chatting with him had become my favourite pastime, I had left my favourite author's book half way!!! Can you imagine that, when books were my only companions.. :) The world had turned upside down, he had persisted for over an year for the stupid me to agree.. And me being "ME" had avoided at every possible oppurtunity. :( Yeah you know the guilts had taken over, I am not perfect, I dont deserve such a nice person, I am going to stay alone for the rest of my life and blah blah blah... Whatever, but still the talks were ON!!! On the contrary I had started waiting for him, waiting to talk to him, slowly realizing that I have been missing him.. And finally I had to accept the fact , that I was interested in taking the alliance further and as expected everything was falling into place to my surprise.. :) We even met for a couple of times, and his smile added more magic to the moment.. :) Whoa!!! Those endless talks and chats, those wonderful exchange of smileys..

Just before I was cherishing all the lovely moments and conversations we had during the past few months, it was time to get back to reality.. To accept the fact ,that I cant be with him because of my surgery(a minor little cut on my back :( ) Even when everybody had agreed to,were happy with , it had to be stopped by destiny(sigh) :( And finally had to part ways...What do you call this?? Testing my patience or the hard way ahead for survival?? I am not sure if I would ever feel the same way again, as this was my last ray of hope. I was being liberal to myself, Yeah i deserved it kind of mode!!! Yet back to square one, back to that loneliness, back to those endless dramas awaiting for me.. :( Don't know for what mistake of mine I am being punished for?? For making my parents unhappy, being alone all this while, hurting them by holding onto my guilt's?? Never Mind, there is no way than accepting that this is part of my fate...Yeah we are still in talking terms but not as earlier, trying to push each other away so both of them move on, as there is no other choice.. :( How strange does that feel now, when the same person who brought back the lost hopes in life, is trying hard to help me move on?? Yeah he's that good, even when he himself is trying  hard to move on(which he does not show) , which makes me love him even more each passing day.. :( Practicality takes over all the love, all the emotions and leaves you so hollow...I can no longer behave like a love smitten teenager, who can wait endlessly.. I have no other choice , but to move on..

As I write this tears have welled up along with a smile that co-exists, yeah its still a mixed feeling.. Don't know whether I should be happy for him because he really deserved someone better or upset that I have to let go of him and see myself crush all my dreams of being with him?? For I still pray, that something would work out like a magic.. (yeah that is sheer stupidity I know, the typical me) But one thing is for sure, that I will cherish those few moments I dared to spend with him, and he will always be remembered as a "passing cloud with a silver lining" :)

PS : I am still wondering, that I wrote this post.. :) I guess am getting better this time.. :)

A comeback, inspired.. :P

Yeah.. I am back to this space.. to a space which was once a burial ground of all my feelings, which have all been deleted long long ago.. But but but this time its going to be different.. :) This will not be what it used to be.. It will be a mixed bag of thoughts, experiences, life, happiness and so on.. :) Hope to fill up this space now with better English and lots of smileys (which am very fond of).. ;)

Should I say that I am inspired?? Is is not obvious from the title.. :P But still I should mention that I am inspired from 2 people, Preethi Shenoy, the author and an ex-colleague,a dear friend.. :) both their blogs are dead opposite in content, with a similar name though.. ;) thank you both..

OK OK, enough of this self declarations and kind of self welcoming back speech.. :P ;) Lets see how better I do this time.. :)

Note : I would like to be anonymous to the world, but to those people who identify me, pls pls pls keep quiet.. :)